I'd like to communicate the tone in which my writings are set. In the Bible the message was important but also the tone in which it is delivered. This 'voice' would reflect from where the message is issuing forth. Many are called to deliver the Prophetic but are not delivering the message from the place where it truly comes. We must also underline that the internet cannot show you how the Man is doing the writing. It could come from a seething cynicism or a broken leading. I want to try to articulate that My rendering forth of my message is in the voice of agony, not arrogance.
The component parts of the 'agony' are in the fact that to be able to discern the issues with church, the heart of Western people etc it has to have been addressed in yourself by God. All of my observations are born from the reality that 'I am that Man.' I would get entirely lost in being the head honcho of a church. I would relish in the adoration and applause for my speaking gift or my clarity of vision. I would trade books, media and speaking engagements and market my product. I would grant myself treats and gifts based upon the perceived reach and scope of my profile. I am that Man.
If you think you are not you are deceived. Truly.
In an ongoing process I have to walk in the constant breaking of the "Saul'' who lies in my flesh like a tiger. 'David' also lies within my being. By the Grace of God I have been made able to perceive the Lord and allowed the privilege of pursuing his Glorious self. In that pursuit lies the key to Saul being left neutralized. When the Lord starts the long process of stripping away everything, we find that the only thing we need is the Lord himself. I think I've been on that journey to an extent and believe me, even the morsel of beholding Him alone is EXACTLY where every believer wants to be. That said, it has involved a savage excavation of many 'me' faults. This has me arrive at conclusions I try to reflect in these writings. Long may it continue (and heaven knows it needs to).
The Agony
There's no point in trying to explain the Lord's dealings in me. The Psalms do that for us. However I am keen that the tone of these challenging writings is known. "When you point the finger there's three pointing back" is a true statement here. With that in view to write these things as general and specific truths about the church and believers... I am only speaking about myself also. But here is the crunch: When learning of these things I did separate myself from it when required.
As a product of systematized Western church structures I was led to the slaughter by the Holy Spirit. The 'systemectomy' that followed was with brutal accuracy and slow, painful deliverance. It is extraordinary how deep the leadership fault lines go. God has to bring about situations that seem recklessly severe to have us perceive and assess the truth about self.
The Joy
The breakage is not an event, it is a lifestyle. However, what emerges from it all is no less than unspeakable Joy. When you find that the Lord has treated you like a beloved Son... the breakage and excavation of the heart is a lavish and abundant expression of love. Some have indicated to me that I should be in some sort of public ministry and in essence 'there's more to me than this.' They want to see me do what they do and go ahead with good ideas and thus validate their own work. I'm not at all suggesting God is not in what they are doing. But one thing is for sure, without the Agony, there is no broken vessel for the Lord to trickle from. Works can do 'things' on earth but doesn't your heart beat for the works of the Lord issuing forth. Don't immediately reflect on the congregation, the following, the sign-ups, the readership... all these could be generated by human ingenuity. Find, at all costs, the authentic, genuine work of God and don't settle for less.
The final and most immovable object in our lives to be rendered up to the Lord is the concept that the Lord is working through us in ministry. If you can render even that up to the Lord, honestly, and walk away... we are indeed getting somewhere.
Gary Ward
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